A Misunderstood Orientation

  • Asexuality is not an abstinence pledge. (Although there may be abstinent aces.)
  • Asexuality is not a synonym for celibacy.  (There are celibate aces and promiscuous aces and aces everywhere in between.)
  • Asexuality is not a gender identity. (Although there may be trans, non-binary, or genderqueer aces.)
  • Asexuality is not a disorder. (Although there may be aces with physical or mental conditions.)
  • Asexuality is not a choice. (Although not every ace is “born that way”.)
  • Asexuality is not a hormone imbalance.  (Although there may be aces with hormone issues.)
  • Asexuality is not a fear of sex or relationships.  (Although there may be aces who are afraid of or otherwise dislike sex or relationships.)

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like homosexuality or heterosexuality.  And like being straight or being gay, it’s about what someone feels, not what someone does.  Dating, having sex, masturbating, falling in love, getting married, or having children do not conflict with asexuality in any way.  There are many reasons why an asexual person might do these things that do not require sexual attraction to be present.

Experiencing arousal or orgasm also do not conflict with asexuality.

Am i asexual?

If you want to know if you’re asexual, ask yourself the following question:  “Do I feel sexual attraction?”  If the answer is “No”, you’re asexual.  The problem with that question is that “sexual attraction” is a vague phrase.  It’s difficult to say that you’ve never felt something, if you don’t know what that something feels like.

If you’re still unsure, here is a list of questions to help guide your thoughts.  They’re not meant as a checklist to “diagnose” asexuality, rather, they describe feelings that many asexual people have had.

  • Are you generally disinterested in sex?
  • Is your interest in sex more scientific than emotional?
  • Do you feel left out or confused when others discuss sex?
  • If you had sex, did you think it was dull or boring, and not the amazing experience other people made it out to be?
  • Have you ever had to pretend to be interested in someone in order to fit in?
  • Have you ever felt “broken” because you don’t experience sexual feelings like those around you?
  • Have you ever felt that you were straight “by default” or that you were bi or pan because you were equally (dis)interested in all genders?
  • Have you ever gone out with someone or had sex because you felt “that’s what you’re supposed to do?”


They Do Like Physical Contact.

They Do Have A Physical Attraction To You.

They Crave A Relationship As Much As Anyone Else.

They Are Romantic.


The Clod and the Pebble

manuscript of poem

“Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell’s despair.”

So sung a little clod of clay,
Trodden with the cattle’s feet;
But a pebble of the brook
Warbled out these meters meet:

“Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another’s loss of ease,
And builds a hell in heaven’s despite.”

Poet Willaim Blake



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