Double Trouble

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Woody Allen

Happy Sex

Sex is a taboo subject in many ways, but most of us want it, practicing it and enjoying it.

Friday afternoon we start to cool down for the weekend and we wish each other a Happy Weekend, Have Fun, Enjoy and Have a great Weekend. Have you ever wish anyone Happy sex?

Sex is… perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings because we are all sexual?

Sue Johanson

1. Talk about it, even if it feels awkward to bring up.  

If you want to get back to having sex, you’re going to have to bring up the elephant in the room: Tell your partner you’re unhappy with your sex life and want things to change. The important thing is to be real with each other and gauge whether or not your S.O. feels similarly.

Have a direct conversation about what you each are willing to do to rebuild your sex life, You need to both agree that you are unhappy with the quality and frequency and be willing to commit time and energy into rebuilding it.

If one of you is perfectly content with your lackluster sex life, you may need to see a therapist.

2. Flirt shamelessly. 

If at this point, you can count the number of times you’ve held hands in the last year, it’s not a good thing. Once you’ve had the conversation above, flirting with your spouse is the best way to demonstrate that you mean business about having sex again, said Skurtu.

“Talk to your partner about what styles of flirtation you find exciting as well — ‘I like it when you kiss me randomly and then go do something else. It leaves me wanting more!’” Play again -You can send flirty texts, just start to be playful again.

3. Don’t wait for your partner — go solo.

Just because sex with your partner is infrequent doesn’t mean you’re not a sexual person. Masturbating more often is one of the most liberating moves you can make during this sexless period.

If your partner’s libido is gone, you can still have a rich and active sex life! This is a revolutionary way to think about sex in a couples-obsessed culture and it goes way beyond masturbation: You can enjoy all of the sensual pleasures of life, get into the best shape of your life and otherwise enjoy being in your body.

4. Carve out some time for a weekly sex date.

Scheduling time for sex may sound supremely unsexy but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. When you and your partner have hit your stride again, you’ll think back fondly on your days of Google calendar-suggested sex.

With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting.

5. Hug and touch on a regular basis.

Bringing sexy back isn’t going to happen overnight, but it helps to remember that making a connection doesn’t have to be an all or nothing deal. Start with a massage or simply touching and work your way up to sex, said sex educator Chris Maxwell Rose.

Affectionate touch is just as important to the health of a relationship as passionate sex. “Even if you aren’t having sex, try to add more casual affection into your days; long hugs, kissing and cuddling are all wonderful ways to express your love.”

Take baby steps at first, Rose added: “Aim for at least one long hug (at least 20 seconds or longer to trigger the release of oxytocin) or cuddling session a day.”

6. Revisit your sexual highlights as a couple.

You don’t want to dwell on the past, but bring up good memories can be a good start

“Start from the beginning and be specific: ‘You remember when we were on that hike in the woods and we ended up having sex?’” Skurtu said. “Go through old sex stories play by play and talk about how it felt for each of you during those experiences. This skill can help couples begin to feel that old spark together.”

7. If something feels good, go with it. 

You may have had certain preferences back in the day. As you re-approach sex again, give yourself permission to experiment with whatever comes naturally and feels right to you both, Nelson said. It may help you get out of your rut.

“If you ate ravioli every night of the week for year after year, wouldn’t you be totally sick of ravioli?” she said. “Try something new. You aren’t going to have sex if you’ve been together for a long time and sex has become boring or mundane.”

8. Romance each other.

Aside from sex dates, make a plan to go on actual dates.

“Go on a classic long walk on the beach, dress up sexy for each other or light a fire at home,” she said. “The key is to put some effort into the time you spend with your spouse.”

Here are a few super small, simple ideas that can be a lot of fun:

• Have sex at a different time of day than you usually do.
• Get down in a new room or on a new surface, like on the stairs, in your kitchen, or on top of the washing machine.
• Use pillows beneath your butt to create new angles in your favorite sex positions.
• Try having sex for different lengths of time, like going for quickies or spending an entire afternoon being intimate.

Play with your senses

To engage your sense of touch, try teasing each other with unique textures, like silk ties, fuzzy scarves, or soft feathers. Or try caressing your partner’s body in two different ways, and asking them to pick their favorite. You can also try cutting off your senses, like using a blindfold or trying not to touch each other with your hands.

God luck, and have fun exploring!

Wish You a Happy Sex day!

Melissa Jane

Interesting article from another Sexologist

So what exactly is a sexologist?

Just like a biologist studies biology, a sexologist studies sexuality. We are interested in what people do sexually and how they feel about it. Sexology encompasses many different fields such as biology, psychology, medicine, gender studies and many more. You can be involved in research, sexual education, or as in my case, counselling.

Describe your working day?

I work with men, women and couples who have sexual issues in a relationship. Usually these are one-to-one sessions. Occasionally it’s a one off session – if someone has a specific question they need answering – usually something like “it takes me a long time to get aroused or to have an orgasm. Is this normal?” Then they just need to hear that they are normal.

But for most people, I like to see them over a six-month period. Often their whole lifestyle is not set up for sexual pleasure. First there must be the intention to do something about that, then there is trying to implement that change. When this happens, other parts of their life are invariably affected too. Sex is complicated and it affects all parts of a relationship.

What is the most common issue you deal with?

In women it’s low desire for and little enjoyment of sex. Often, they find it hard to experience orgasm during sex or when self-pleasuring.

For men it’s rapid ejaculation. Men say they find it difficult to control their ejaculation and are not able to last as long as they would like to. This then is often coupled with finding it difficult to get or keep an erection.

For couples it is that they are best friends but not lovers. Or that they have different levels of desire – one wanting sex more than the other.

What is the advice you most often give?

All change starts within oneself. So the focus is really on creating a loving relationship with yourself first. By this I mean making love with oneself, self-pleasuring.. This is the key for sexual healing and for keeping one’s sexual desire awake.

How does a therapy session work?

When people start the coaching process we start to talk about sex. Even just voicing what they have never had the chance to talk about before is very healing. Often when people start to feel comfortable about talking to me about sex, they are then able to talk about it with their partner.

So first it’s just talk. Then we look at what the sources of the problem could be. Normally that’s many factors – past experience, a belief system you may have grown up in where a woman actively pleasure was seen as wrong or dirty, or that a woman’s role is to give.

Then we look at how to reframe those beliefs and look for ways to achieve pleasure. In between the sessions there are home assignments. I will get a woman to explore self pleasure, to watch a video, read some erotica. Then we talk  about that in the next session – what did or didn’t go right? For a man it could be him practicing lasting longer by himself.

When it comes to couples, most get very anxious if they run into sexual problems thinking they are not normal. But the opposite is true. If a relationship carries on for a long time, it is almost inevitable that sexual desire might become an issue at some point.

As a relationship evolves there will come a point when that natural attraction is not as strong as it was. The good thing about a couple that comes to see me is that they want to work together. I give them homework to find time for themselves, go on date nights, go to bed early with intention of simply exploring and touching each other.

How did you become a sexologist?

When I was younger, I certainly never thought that I would work as a sexologist. Like so many other health practitioners or therapists, I work in the field that I first turned to for myself. When I was in my early 20s I got married to a man I was madly in love with but sexually it didn’t work. Sadly we got divorced and this inspired me to go on a journey of healing, exploring my own sexual energy.

Inspired by the results I began to run women’s circles to help other women and got into it from there. It then became clear to me that sexuality, love and relationships is really what I am passionate about. I still study at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, which is based in San Francisco.

What really inspires me is meeting couples where there is so much love there, but the one thing that is not working is sex. Often there is a lot of shame around this. I want to help them get through that so that sex no longer standing in the way of them having a fulfilling relationship.

Have you seen an increasing interest in your profession?

There are not many sexologists in the UK but there are many sex and relationship therapists and other practitioners who work with sexuality and sexual concerns. And there certainly has been a rise in the number of professionals working in the field of sexuality because there is such a great need for their services.

How do people respond at dinner parties when you say what you do?

With lots of questions! They don’t understand what it is. They may have also have fantasies about what I do and what I don’t’ do. I am a great supporter of hands-on body work and sex surrogacy. I think that is very important work, but I don’t work in that way.

What does your partner/family think about your job? 

My partner is very supportive. He thinks I am doing great work as I am empowering people to take their lives in a positive direction.

Do more women than men come to see you?

I see about the same number of men as women.

Are there any male sexologists?

Not as many as there are women.

What is the best part of your job?

Witnessing the transformation that my clients go through. It is a very fulfilling career.